Ricochet
by Mallorysgirl
Summary: Sometimes you can be caught between heaven and hell! Stevie struggles to find away to cope with both.
1. Chapter 1

Authors note: Hey guys just wanted to let you know that the subject matter in this story is very personal to me and I felt that I wanted to share it with you guys.

Usual business: Nope not mine; Alex Walkinshaw would have been shirtless a lot if I'd have owned the rights to the bill.

**Chapter One**

Sometimes Stevie felt like she was standing in a room screaming and no one can hear her!

Her voice was straining and she could feel the scratchy pain in the back of her throat, but still she got no response. Watching the busy investigation room in CID she felt like she was one step behind the rest of the world, just slightly out of sync not enough for anyone to notice. But she knew!

"Stevie!"

Her thoughts were interrupted and she glanced up at the cheeky detective grinning at her "What's up Mickey?"

"I said are you going to Gina's leaving do this evening?"

She pulled a slight face "I wasn't planning to,"

"Aww come on Moss," he grinned, "I need my drinking buddy,"

"Gina and I aren't exactly what you'd call friends are we,"

"Maybe not. But Smithy will be there," he grinned.

She knew he was teasing her; he always did when it came to Smithy. Sergeant Dale Smith was one of those men that all the girls wanted. Stevie included! You never saw him without female attention. His good looks, charm and sexy smile had always gotten him whoever he wanted. She just wished that he saw her as more than just a friend.

"Stevie,"

"Huh,"

"Stop daydreaming about Smithy," he teased again.

"Were not in primary school Mickey," she bit "Are you like five or something,"

He laughed loudly "So you coming out or not?"

"Not!"

Placing a hand on her shoulder he looked at her with concern "I'm worried about you Stevie. You'd tell me if something was wrong right,"

She gave him a half hearted smile; she couldn't muster up a full one. She wanted so desperately to tell him what was wrong, but until she knew herself she didn't know what to tell him. "Of course I would Mickey. You're my bestie," she grinned putting on the best fake smile she could "I'm just feeling a bit out of sorts right now,"

"You sure?"

She nodded "Give me a couple of days and I'll be partying with the rest of them,"

"Ok," he squeezed her shoulder before heading towards the door "Just hurry up will you, this tea total nun thing you've had going on the last couple of weeks just ain't working for me anymore,"

He was gone before she had time to respond. Heading back over to her desk she began looking through her paper work. She was currently working on a domestic violence case with uniform. Normally CID would have very little to do with it, but the victim was the ex girlfriend of a known drug dealer. There was a theory that he had paid someone to give her a beating to teach her a lesson. She had given evidence against him in court and he was looking at getting revenge. Stevie stared at the brutal images of the victim, she had seen many a horrific sight in her time but for some reason his incident really seemed to be getting to her.

The only way to describe it was that she could feel herself falling! A feeling of dread rising through her body. Everything seemed so pointless, and she could feel her resolve starting to break.

She had to get out of here. She began to feel like she was being suffocated, the room was getting smaller and she was struggling to breath properly. She headed quickly out of the room and down the corridor.

"Stevie," she heard Callum's voice behind her, but she ignored it. She pushed the door open with some force and headed over to the sink. Resting her hands on the basin she looked up into the mirror before bursting into tears.

She was hysterical; the tears just wouldn't stop falling. She could feel the pressure building in her head. She just wanted to scream. What the hell was wrong with her? She felt like she was drowning, losing her grip on everything. Stevie Moss didn't breakdown, she didn't burst into tears because she felt a little sad. This was crazy!

After spending fifteen minutes sitting in one of the cubicle's sobbing she had finally managed to calm herself down. She attempted to mask her red and blotchy face by washing it, but if she was honest it hadn't done a thing to help. She slipped out of the toilets hoping not to be seen. She needed to just get out of here, all the thoughts running through her head made her feel like she was about to explode. Running down the stairs as quick as she could she crashed through the doors to the front office and straight into the path of someone.

"Easy," the voice called and she recognised it instantly. Cringing inside she tried to keep her face hidden as she tried to pull out of his grip.

"Sorry," she whispered. She just wanted to slip away unseen. She didn't want anyone seeing her like this, especially him.

His voice confirmed that he knew it was her "Stevie?" he asked concerned.

She nodded trying desperately not to look at him. He gently lifted her chin and she could see the concern for her in his soft green eyes. His eyes were the first thing that had attracted her to him. They were always so warm and inviting, just like his smile. That and his great arse were the reason she had taken an interest in him to begin with.

"Stevie?" he questioned again "What's wrong sweetheart?" He may not ever be more than a friend, but a good friend he defiantly was and she knew she could trust him with her life.

Looking up at him sadly she answered in nothing more than a whisper "I don't know Smithy," she could feel her eyes begin to water again "And that's the problem, I just don't know,"

Heading out past him, she hoped that he wouldn't follow. She just needed some time to clear her head.

* * *

The harsh cold wind bit at Stevie's skin and she was sure that in this one moment she was at one with the element. Nobody understood the thoughts that raced through her head. No one got how everything else paled in significance with this one moment. Time seemed to stand still.

She thought of those she cared for, her parents, and her brother, Mickey, Smithy the list went on. None of them knew what it was like to walk in her shoes, to live in her head. None of them understood the feeling of standing on this ledge high above the rest of the world wondering if she jumped she would fly or fall.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Stevie was flying!

The wind rushing through her hair, she had never felt so free. The world moved slowly around her, unable to keep up with her mind. She had been unable to sleep the night before. All these thoughts and feelings rushing around inside her.

Excitement was an understatement!

Right now she felt total euphoria!

It was like there was music playing just for her. She could feel every note and vibration. The rhythm dancing around her mind, like her own personal theme tune.

People passed by like a blur and when they spoke to her she could barely hear them. Everything felt fresh and new, like she had just discovered life, or it had discovered her. She struggled to catch her breath and she craved the feeling even more. It felt like she had run a race and the adrenalin had taken hold of her.

Feeling this incredible was peaceful.

Stevie arrived at the station in a daze; if she was honest she couldn't recall how she made her way there. The bright lights in the front office made her wince.

"RODGER!" she yelled.

He looked up from the paperwork he was assisting a young man with. The volume and tone of her voice left him startled slightly and had made not only him but several people sitting near by look round.

"THE LIGHTS IN HERE ARE TOO BRIGHT," she was still yelling.

"Stevie," he replied concerned "Are you alright?"

"ME?" she indicated to herself by pointing to herself "I'M FINE!" Her voice was enthusiastic. Internally it made Rodger question if she was drunk.

"DON"T FORGET THE LIGHTS," she grinned before taking the stairs two at a time. Reaching the top she didn't stop and look before crashing into whoever was passing by.

"Jeez Stevie," Smithy grabbed her arms to steady her "This crashing into me is becoming a bit of a habit…. Wow!"

Smithy looked her up and down dumbstruck! He opened and closed his mouth several times but there was no noise. Scanning his eyes over her body he had to admit how breath taking she looked. Dressed highly inappropriately for work she looked more like a clubber on a Saturday night than an on duty Police Officer first thing Monday morning.

Her dress was short enough to stop traffic! Stopping several inches above her knee. The simple black dress accentuated her curves perfectly; contouring her body and the plunging neckline allowed Smithy more than a glace at her perfectly formed breasts.

"Stevie?" he questioned, "What are you doing?"

She looked at him bemused "I'm going to work," She smiled slightly and Smithy for the first time noticed how beautiful she looked. Her short soft curls bounced off her face, which was floorless.

"But dressed like that?" he asked cautiously.

She looked herself up and down "Don't you like my dress Smithy?" she sounded disappointed.

He shook his head "No I do…its just.."

"What?" she asked clueless.

"It is rather short,"

"But I'm short," she grinned.

He rolled his eyes "Have you been home today Stevie?"

She shook her head.

"So where have you been all night?" he asked concerned.

She shrugged "I don't know," her arms were flailing everywhere and she kept rubbing the back of her neck "Are you hot Smithy?... I mean I know you're hot! Look at you." he raised his eyebrows in surprise as she babbled on "I'm hot," she complained "I must get Rodger to fix the heating, that and the lights…We've already spoken about it today,"

Smithy eyed her concerned "Stevie maybe we should go get you a coffee,'

'Why?"

"Cause we sober you up maybe,"

Pulling her head back slightly she looked almost insulted "I'm not drunk!"

"Really?" it was quite clear that he didn't believe her.

"Breathalyse me Sergeant," she stood with her hands folded across her chest sternly "You know what I don't have time for this," she said flippantly before turning on her heels and strutting off down the corridor away from him.

Smithy stood for a few moments staring at the petite blonde as she disappeared from sight. Callum approached him "Was that Stevie?" surprise written all over his face.

"Yeah," Smithy answered in a daze "I think so anyway," Shaking his head in disbelief Smithy headed down the stairs leaving Callum wanting to get to the bottom of Stevie's recent behaviour.

* * *

Frustrated wasn't even close to what Stevie was feeling right now. She worked with some small-minded people that were for sure. Apparently her work entire was not fitting for a Police Officer and that not having to wear uniform didn't mean she could turn up to work looking like she had come from a lap dancing audition. Those were DI Manson's opinions anyway. Will, Terry and even Smithy seemed to like her dress so she didn't know what Neil's problem was anyway. Probably wasn't getting any from Grace, she thought smugly. Well she wasn't going home to change that was for damn sure!

She could feel the frustration building inside her, everyone annoyed her at the moment, and they just didn't get it. She felt great at the moment. Why did they all want to spoil her fun and bring her down?

"DC Moss," Jack's voice woke her from her thoughts. Turning around she looked at him a little startled "Can I see you in my office please,"

Rolling her eyes she sighed before following him into his office. Closing the door behind herself she prepared for Jack's stern words.

But they never came.

"How are things Stevie?" Jack asked with genuine concern.

"Fine!" she answered quickly.

"Really?" he turned his head slightly trying hard to read her "It's just that I've had a few people come to me concerned about your recent behaviour,"

"Let me guess," she sighed placing her hands on her hips "Neil by any chance?"

"That's irrelevant Stevie," he pressed further "We've known each other a long time and if there's anything you want to tell me then, I'm here to help,"

"What do you mean my recent behaviour?" she accused.

"What?"

"You said my recent behaviour. What's wrong with it?" she could feel the anger rising once more.

"Well!" he tried to be diplomatic with his words "It has been rather erratic recently,"

"Erratic!" she snapped, "What do you mean Erratic?" she could feel the heat rising inside her '_How dare he,' she thought _

"Calm down Stevie," Jack tried to reason "Were just concerned about you,"

"No your concerned that I'm embarrassing the department," she spat, resentment rising up inside her "Just because I'm having a good time, you want to spoil it,"

Jack stood up and headed towards her "Don't forget who your taking too DC Moss,"

She held her head in shame like a little girl being scolded by her father. Noticing her sad expression Jack placed a hand on her shoulder "I'm just worried about you Stevie, that's all,"

She nodded looking up at him glumly.

"I just don't want to see you do any stupid that could cost you your career," he smiled at her reassuringly "I think you should take the rest of the day off,"

"Why," she asked startled.

"Because I think you need to go home and sort your head out,"

"There's nothing wrong with my head," she yelled, "I've told you I'm fine,"

Stevie's outburst had attracted a view followers, several officers were standing around the office door for a better listen. They were almost knocked off their feet when she came flying out of the office, almost pulling the door off its hinges with the force she pulled on it with. She glared at those around her "We all had a good look?" she yelled. She shoved Jo's paperwork off her desk startling her, before heading out the door, leaving the mess behind her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

"You wanted to see me sir?" Smithy asked as he entered Jack's office.

"Yes Smithy, Please sit down," he motioned to the seat opposite him and waited for Smithy to sit "I've asked you here for a reason. Your good friends with DC Moss aren't you,"

"Yes sir," Smithy confirmed.

"I'm very concerned about her at the moment," Jack started "She's been acting…well…"

"Irrationally!" Smithy finished.

Jack nodded in agreement "You've noticed too?"

"Yes," Smithy rubbed his eyes trying hard to find the right words "She doesn't seem to be herself. One minute she's the happiest person I know and the next…"

"She the complete opposite,"

"Exactly!" The Sergeant concluded, "I mean today is a perfect example…she seemed really hyperactive but at the same time really distracted, like she couldn't keep still,"

"Did you hear what happened here this morning?"

Smithy shook his head.

"She freaked out when I suggested going home to sort her head out," Jack sighed "She yelled at me, headed out the office and pushed all of Jo's paperwork to the floor,"

Smithy raised his eyebrows.

"Maybe you could have a chat with her," Jack asked, "She might open up to you,"

"I'll see what I can do Jack," Smithy rose from his seat and headed off in search of Stevie. He had his own concerns about her behaviour. She had always been so level headed. Yes she was a bit of a cheeky minx but still she generally towed the line and was always professional.

Heading out into the warm sunshine Smithy opened up his phone, sighing when it went straight to answer phone. "Stevie it's Smithy, can you give me a call when you get this. I'm worried about you Moss,"

Fishing his keys from his pocket he headed towards his car and in search of the illustrious Miss Moss.

* * *

Knocking the door lightly Smithy waited for what felt like an eternity. He knew she was in, he could hear music coming from the living room. Knocking louder this time, he had no intention of leaving until he had seen her. He had to admit he was worried about her. She was his best friend; she had been since they had worked on the Cutler case posing as his girlfriend. Working undercover was intense and having someone he could rely on had made it easier. He had to admit he had always been attracted to her, but had decided after there few intimate moments together that taking it to the next level wouldn't be the wisest idea.

It wasn't that was against the idea, far from it! The idea of being with little Stevie Moss had its appeal, it was more that he'd gotten close to several female collegues before and it had always ended with disastrous consequences. If he was honest he was trying to save her from the curse of getting involved with Dale Smith, the majority of women who did usually ended up dead.

Kerry had been the first and her death had broken his heart. He had tried so hard to protect her after all she had been through, but unfortunately he hadn't been able to. He blamed himself for her death even though Gabriel had been the culprit.

Andrea had hurt, they had become closer after Kerry's death and he always wondered what if? If they had had more time together maybe they could have had more.

If Andrea's death had hurt and Kerry's had broken his heart, then Louise's had shattered him. Louise Larson had been the love of his life and when she had died his soul had died with her. He had never been able to form a proper relationship with any woman since. Sure he had had flings, but nothing had ever compared to the women he had lost and probably never would.

He knew he had hurt Keiza more than he she had let on and he didn't want Stevie being hurt the same way.

The door finally opened to the vision of blurry-eyed Stevie. Smithy took in a sharp breath. Standing in front of him with messy hair and a just a t-shirt that barely covered her modesty she had never looked so beautiful. He had to admit that seeing her wearing so little was really turning him on. He wanted so desperately to push her up against the door and screw her as hard he could.

"Smithy," she looked surprised to see him "What are you doing here?" she didn't seem in much of a hurry to cover up, she just carried on standing there looking ravishing.

Stevie was surprised to see him standing there; she could tell he was checking her out. His eyes had barely left her body, stopping his gaze at her thighs more than once. She enjoyed his attention and she had no plans to cover her body from him.

"I just wanted to check you were ok," he answered. He began fiddling with his collar looking rather uncomfortable

"Stevie," the voice behind her startled them both. Peering through the door Smithy noticed a tall dark haired man pulling on his t-shirt as he headed towards them.

Smithy felt awkward! If he were honest right now he would rather be anywhere else than interrupting this intimate moment. Part of him was also angry. Angry because he knew it was jealous.

"I…I should go," he answered uncomfortably.

"No! Don't!" her voice was almost commanding, "Mark was just leaving weren't you,"

"Yeah," he answered slightly annoyed "And it's Mike by the way," He hurried down the steps away from the house leaving the two officers behind.

Smithy reluctantly followed her into the house.

"Would you like a drink?" she asked holding up a bottle of Jack Daniels.

"Tea would be good," he answered

She nodded "Suit your self," before heading off to the kitchen.

Smithy looked around the small living room. It was brightly decorated in a style that was very Stevie, he thought. Moving over to the mantle piece he began looking at the photos on top of it. He smiled as he came across one of him and Stevie taken on a night out. He had his arms wrapped tightly around her waist and they were both grinning at the camera. Observing it closer they looked like a real couple. He smiled at the thought. She had rejoined him in the living room and handed him his tea. "Friend of yours?" he asked indicating the young man who had just left their company.

"Not exactly," she smiled slightly.

"Known him long?" he asked.

"About four hours," Smithy spat his tea back into his cup. Chocking slightly he began coughing.

"What?" she asked innocently.

"Nothing," he replied "Just surprised that your picking up men during the day that's all," he had tried to reply lightly, mocking the situation in the hope that it would make it less awkward but watching her face darken he knew his words had had the opposite effect.

Her voice held a harsh tone "How is his any different to you pulling a bird on a night out?"

"Well," he began "That's because nights out usually end up with me being smashed,"

"Does that mean I have to be wasted to get a shag?" she spat.

"What! No! I didn't mean that,"

"Then what did you mean?"

"I'm worried about Stevie," he answered sincerely.

"Your worried about me," she flailed her arms around excessively "Jack's worried about me…Mickey's worried about me. I wish people just leave me the hell alone!" she screamed. "I am sick and tired of people telling me what I should be doing and how I should be feeling,"

"Stevie…I,"

"Get out!"

"What?"

"I said GET OUT!" she screamed.

Feeling the full force of her anger Smithy shook his head "I'll be here when you need me Stevie," He heading out the door leaving Stevie behind falling apart inside.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Smithy hadn't seen Stevie for three days and it was starting to worry him. When he left her that day at her flat, he had been shocked by her behaviour. Although he had heard the station gossips talk about Stevie and her latest conquests, he himself knew her well enough to know that it really was just station gossip. But after what he saw in the flat he really was starting to believe she was trying to live up to her reputation.

"You ok Smithy?" Callum asked as they sat on patrol.

"Yeah," he answered "Just deep in thought that's all.

"Any news on Stevie?" Callum asked concerned.

Smithy shook his head "Not yet. Meadows is screwing! She hasn't spoke to anyone. I've been back to her flat and she's nowhere to be seen,"

Callum shook his head "Up until recently I would say this really isn't like her, but now…"

"Sierra Oscar 2 4 respond,"

"Go ahead," Callum replied into the radio.

"Can you respond to an incident in Harper's park by the bandstand?"

"Yeah on way,"

Reaching the park they made their way over to the small crowd at the bandstand.

"Excuse me," Smithy headed towards the small figure sitting in on the steps. He felt his heart stop. She looked so tiny and vulnerable. "Stevie?" Callum questioned moving quickly over to her.

Kneeling down besides her he began tending to her he noticed the scratches and bruises across her face and arms "Stevie darlin," Callum soothed "Can you tell me what happened?" She didn't respond. He looked up at Smithy would had visibly paled. "Stevie are you in pain anywhere," Callum carried on with his questioning, "Did someone hurt you sweetheart?"

She looked up at him and he noticed he terrified look in her eyes. His heart broke for her. Noticing the paramedics approaching he rose to his feet "Her names Stevie Moss, she's thirty one and she's covered in bruises and scratches. She hasn't been responsive to any questioning,"

The paramedic nodded "Hi Stevie, my names Natalie," she smiled "I just want to take a look at your injuries lovie," Reaching for her, Stevie pulled back. "It's ok, I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to check your ok," Stevie moved further up the step away from the young paramedic. Callum was back by her side "Stevie she's here to help," he smiled softly at her "If I stay sitting here with you will you let her help you?" Looking up at him through sad eyes she nodded. "Good girl,"

Once she had been checked over the paramedics informed them that they were taking her to St Hughes. Following, Smithy drove faster than he ever could remember. "Smithy slow down," Callum cautioned, "Were going to get there before the ambulance,"

"You saw the condition she was in," he stressed "What if someones…." He trailed off from what he was thinking because the thought sickened him.

"Don't think like that," Callum commanded "Our girls going to be alright,"

Reaching the hospital they headed to A&amp;E "Where here to see Stevie Moss," Smithy told the receptionist.

"Ok bear with me," she began typing.

Smithy felt sick! He could hear his heart in his ears and it was pounding like a drum. Everything was becoming a blur. She looked so frightened. He just wanted to pull her into his arms and protect her. He hadn't protected her over the last couple of weeks. Whatever was going on was torturing her and as much as he tried he hadn't been able to help. It was pretty obvious to him that she had needed protection last night and again he had failed her.

"Smithy," Stone's voice pulled him back into reality "They said we can see her now,"

Having headed down the long corridor, which seemed to go on forever they finally reached the small side room that Stevie had been put in. Reaching for the door handle Smithy stopped "I..I don't know whether I can go in there,"

"What?" Callum questioned, "Don't be wet Smithy!"

"Callum I can't see her like that, it's killing me. She's so fragile and looks so lost," His voice began breaking and the tears were forming in his eyes.

"Well your going to have to man up then!" Callum's harsh words surprised him.

"But.."

"No buts," Callum continued, "That girl in there is the only one who matters right now. She needs us! She needs you! And that's all that matters,"

Smithy looked down at his feet like a small child being read the riot act. "So go in there and interview her like any other witness and support her like any other friend. And if you can't then you might as well head off back to the station, because I'm going in there," Callum moved past him and opened the door. Stevie looked up briefly. Smithy noticed she looked tired, she stayed quiet the nurse was taking her blood pressure. She sat on the small bed wearing a hospital gown looking so small.

"Stevie sweetheart," Callum began "Smithy and I have come to see how you are," She remained silent, not reacting to his words. "Darlin' I know that you've had a bit of a shock, but we just need to ask you a few questions,"

She shook her head "No," she whispered "I don't want to answer any,"

Smithy tentatively moved closer to her "Stevie," he began "We can't help you if you don't speak to us. You trust me don't you?"

She nodded, tears forming in her eyes.

"Did someone hurt you darlin'?" Smithy asked, "Can you tell me what happened?"

"I can't," she sobbed.

"You can tell me anything, just take your time,"

"No," she cried, "I can't because I don't know what happened. I don't remember,"

Callum gave Smithy a concerned look before turning back to Stevie "Don't worry about that now Sweetheart. Our main concern is that you're ok,"

"Can I speak to you Gentleman outside?" the nurse asked.

"Sure," They followed the young nurse out of the room, shutting the door behind them. "How is she?" Smithy asked.

"Well as you can see she's visibly distressed. The scratches and bruising is luckily mainly superficial. Unfortunately she won't allow us to examine her more thoroughly, so we can't rule out sexual assault,"

Smithy sighed, this had knocked him sideways. The thought that she had been sexually assaulted had crossed his mind, but hearing it spoken out loud made him so angry. Angry at the thought that anyone could hurt his Stevie. Pushing his emotions aside he knew that Stevie was all he had to focus on at the moment.

"Were friends of Stevie," he told the nurse "We will try to talk to her about being examined,"

"If you could," the nurse stressed "If an assault has taken place, then we could do with examining her sooner rather than later. She has also stressed that she wants to go home and shower. I think we all know that if there is any evidence that it would be destroyed," she threw them a sympathise look before leaving them.

The door opened and a fully dressed Stevie knocked into Smithy as she tried to get past. "Stevie? Where are you going?"

"Home!" she moved past him but Callum blocked her path "Out of my way Callum,"

"Stevie they haven't discharged you,"

"Well I'm discharging myself," she headed down the corridor. Hurrying the Sergeants caught up with her.

"Stevie I know your frightened, but you need to let us help you,"

"No Callum," Stevie span round. Her face cold and emotionless "I need you to but out and leave me alone,"


	5. Chapter 5

**Authors note :** A big thank you to Jojo2604 for all her support

**Chapter Five**

Stevie felt a loathing for herself like nothing she had ever experienced before. She was a horrible person, she bad person. She didn't deserve to be happy, she reasoned. Nobody would ever want her or love her. She wanted Smithy, she needed him in fact but she knew she wasn't pretty enough for him. He liked them tall, leggy and sexy. He'd never be interested in someone like her.

She'd never felt wanted, she usually hid behind a mask of loud brash attitude and fake confidence but recently her mask seemed to be slipping. It came on almost instantly, like a light switch being flicked. She had been happy, more than happy in fact, but then she fallen so quickly towards this the black hole she was currently living in. She just wanted to be happy; she just wanted to be normal.

She had been scared to go down, feeling so euphoric it had briefly crossed her mind it would not last forever but in that moment of pure bliss she had not given it that much thought. She had been laying in bed for what seemed like an eternity, her heart hurt, she was such a disappointment. Work had put her current mood down to what had happened in the park last week and maybe that triggered some of how she felt, but she had been feeling low before that night.

She had gone out that night in an attempt to keep her mood high, she had felt herself conflicted for a while. When Smithy had left her apartment that day he had meet that random she had brought back, she had been annoyed and frustrated, but still in rather high spirits. She had gone out those two nights after and they had been a blur, a continuous journey of ecstasy. Day and night had merged into one and she had no recollection of going home. Then it all came crashing down. Her memory had returned in parts and she remembered dancing in a club and it had hit her so quickly and hard it had almost knocked her off her feet. It was like a sucker punch and that light switch had been flicked. Her ecstasy had worn off as quickly as it had come and now amongst that flashing lights and cheerful music she was aching inside.

The air had left the room and she had to get out of there. She could remember leaving the bar and the walking through the park. But then nothing! It frightened her! How could she not remember, she hadn't remembered blacking out or hitting her head. She didn't remember falling asleep or even waking up. Just sitting on the bandstand, cold and scared.

She knew she should get up and go to work but she didn't have the energy to even get up and go to the bathroom, so that was completely out of the question. She had heard the door knock several times before it had been opened. She knew it was Mickey, he had her spare key and she knew he was worried about her.

Entering the small apartment Mickey noticed the mail was still on the doorstep and there was no visible sign of Stevie. He had been worried about her for weeks but after her experience recently he felt compelled to see how she was. He had been around the last two days and he still couldn't get her out of bed. It saddened him to see his once bright and bouncy friend so lost and depressed. Entering the bedroom he noticed the food he had made her last night still sitting on the floor uneaten and an unresponsive Stevie lying wrapped up in the covers.

"Hey little legs," he smiled mocking her size gently in an attempt to make her smile. It did not work!

He approached the bed and sat down on the edge of it "Stevie please talk to me," he begged,

No answer!

"I'm so worried about you,"

"Don't be," she whispered "I'm nothing, not worth worrying about," he watched the tears fall freely from his eyes.

"Maybe you should let me judge whether I think you're worth it,"

"Please Mickey," she cried, "I just want to be alone,"

"To lie here like a Zombie," he shook his head "Your not eating still I see," he indicated to the food. "Can't have you wasting away Moss,"

She looked up at him through her sad watery eyes. "You're breaking my heart Stevie. I hate seeing you like this. Let me help,"

"I don't think you can," she whispered sadly.

"Try me," he smiled.

"Can you make it go away?"

"Make what go away?"

"The thoughts in my head Mickey," her voice broke "I don't want to wake up, I just want to fall asleep and never wake up,"

He lay down facing her, making her scoot further across the bed. "Oh sweetheart," he whispered. He pulled her into his arms and she sobbed. She sobbed like never before, she was almost screaming in pain. Holding her tighter he kissed the top of her head "I don't ever want you thinking that again. Do you hear?"

Her cries softened a while later, she had exhausted herself out and she could feel herself drifting off in his arms. "Stevie?" Mickey questioned checking if she was still awake. She looked up at him with sleepy eyes "I'm going to get you through this I promise. You're going to beat this feeling sweetheart and I'll be with you every step of the way," She nodded into his chest before sleep finally took over.

* * *

Waking a few hours later, she heard voices from the other room. Swinging her legs over the edge of the bed she felt a little woozy as she got up. Her legs a little bit like jelly and it seemed like forever to take the littlest of steps.

As the voices got closer she recognised them instantly "I'm really worried about her," Mickey spoke quietly "It's like all the life has been knocked out of her,"

"I know," she internally cringed when she heard the other voice. Why was he here? "I've noticed a difference too. She used to be so full of life and now…" he trailed off.

"I can't get her out of bed," Mickey stressed, "She says when she goes to sleep she doesn't want to wake up,"

"Wha.."

"I know," he stressed, "I'm scared she might do something stupid,"

Noticing the small figure standing in the doorway the two stood up. "Hey," Mickey began smiling "Smithy came round to see you,"

"Hey Stevie," Smithy smiled at her "How you feeling?" She could hear the concern in his voice but she chose to ignore it. She felt a mess. Her hair was all over the place, like she had been pulled through a hedge backwards. Her face was haggard and blotchy from where she had been crying. The dark circles around her eyes were evidence that she hadn't been sleeping. Feeling self conscious of her appearance and the rather short nighty she was wearing she pulled the blanket of the chair next to her and a wrapped it around herself.

"Talking about me?" she accused.

"No sweetheart," Smithy answered.

"I heard you," she spat "Whatever he's told you isn't true,"

"Stevie," Mickey sighed, "You can't carry on this way, and you need help,"

"You promised to help me," she stressed her voice desperate "You betrayed my trust. You told him," she motioned to Smithy.

"He's as worried about you as I am that's all,"

"No you were gossiping as usual," she accused "Poor Stevie's lost it. Have a good laugh did you?"

"We wouldn't do that to you," Mickey answered hurt.

"Shut the door on your way out," Stevie spat, heading back towards her bedroom. Climbing back into bed she pulled the covers back over her head in an attempt to block the world out.

She lost connection with the warmth of the duvet and she was left cold when the covers were ripped off her. "Hey," she yelled angry at being disturbed.

"Get up!" Smithy's voice was harsh and authoritive. "Shift your arse and get dressed,"

"Leave me alone," she wined "I just want to sleep,"

"Up now DC Moss,"

"Don't pull rank here Smithy this is my house,"

"Then get up," He threw her jeans at her. She stared at him blankly "Get up now Stevie or I will pick you up and dress you myself," They locked eyes, neither wanting to back down. Stevie felt his strong arms under her knees and around her back as he carried her bridal style into the bathroom. "Smithy," she protested. Usually the idea of him carrying her like this was rather a turn on. Being wrapped in his arms, protected from the world felt so safe and so warm. But in this moment feeling like crap and having not actually showered for three days it was the most awkward and embarrassing moment of her life.

Placing her down on the floor he turned on the shower "Get showered and dressed," Seeing her glum expression he lent over and kissed her head. "I just want to help you. Please just have a shower and we can we can start to sort everything out. Ok?"

She nodded.

"Good girl," he gave her a squeeze before leaving her to undress. Standing naked in front of the mirror she felt the chill on her skin making her shiver. Stepping under the warm water she felt the beads hitting her skin with such force that the pain was the most alive she had felt for the last week. She would have done anything to wash away the turmoil but still it remained and she felt unclean. Sinking down the cold wall she cried freely knowing that the force and sound of the water masked her tears.


	6. Chapter 6

**Authors note:** This chapter deals with sensitive subjects, just a warning so your aware.

**Chapter Six**

When Smithy had said he was going to help her, the last thing she expected was a trip to the bloody zoo. What was she? Like twelve! His had heart been in the right place, but she couldn't understand the randomness of it.

"How you feeling?" Smithy asked tucking into his choc-ice.

"Confused," she answered raising her eyebrows "A zoo?"

"I thought you'd like a trip out," he grinned.

"But a zoo. What was going through your mind when you thought this one up?" she chuckled.

"That," he grinned pointing to her face "That's the first smile I've seen from you in a long time,"

Standing up from the bench they were sitting on she headed over to the monkey sanctuary. "Why do they call it a sanctuary?" she asked noticing Smithy had joined her "There all caged up,"

"Don't know," he answered sincerely "Maybe they do it to protect the monkey's,"

"I sometimes feel like that," she sighed.

"Like what?" he asked confused.

"Caged!"

He looked at her surprised. "What do you mean?"

She shook her head sadly "It's difficult to explain," she paused before continuing, "Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped inside my own head and it frightens me. Like I want to escape but can't. It's like I'm pushing at the walls but there not moving,"

Stepping closer he wrapped his arms around her from behind. Resting his head on her shoulder she felt a warm glow for the first time in forever. "Why didn't you tell me any of this sweetheart?"

"I didn't know how," she whispered.

"You can tell me anything you know that," He smiled slightly into her cheek "Lawrence Smith's girlfriend can tell him anything remember," Her heart skipped a beat. She missed being his girlfriend, even if it had all been pretend.

"I couldn't explain it to myself, let alone anyone else," She turned slowly in his arms.

"Your not alone, I'm going to be here to get you through this," He smiled "It's going to get better,"

"Thank you,"

"For what?"

"For making me get out of bed,"

He smiled softly at her "Your welcome," He lent down and kissed her cheek briefly. She didn't know whether it was brave or stupid but in that moment she had the confidence to seek out his lips and kiss him. The kiss was soft and as he pulled away surprised, Stevie saw the look in his eyes and she knew that instead of brave it had been stupid.

"Stevie?" he questioned unsure. She felt the embarrassment between them, it spoke no words but it was deafening.

Shit! Stevie knew she couldn't take back that kiss. Sure she wanted it, but she didn't want this. "Stevie," he cautioned "I'm really sorry if I led you on…"

"No it's ok," She could feel the heat rising through her body with the awkwardness "I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that," Pulling away from him abruptly she turned to leave "I need to go,"

"No Stevie don't," he made a grab for her arm but she was too quick.

"Smithy I need to get home," she smiled "Thanks for bringing me here," And with that she was gone leaving him feeling terrible. He had led her on he rationalised. She was vulnerable and I made her think we were more than we are. I'm such an idiot. This was the last thing he had wanted to do. He watched her disappear into the distance and he mentally kicked himself. He'd probably made things ten times worse. She was low before, but the rejection would make it so much worse. It's not like she wasn't desirable. He fancied her and she was a great girl, his best friend but things were complicated.

Mortified! That was the only way she could describe what she was feeling right now. She'd totally fucked up! There was no going back now. The feelings she had hidden from him were wide open for everyone to see. Especially him. How was she ever going to face him again? She should have known he wouldn't have been interested. She felt terrible to have put him in that position. He would have to know that someone as ugly and unlovable as her would be interested in him. How dare she think of him like that? She wasn't good enough for him. Her thoughts were spinning around her head taunting her, making her struggle internally with her emotions. Stupid freak! Why are you the way you are? I hate you! She'd have to leave. She'd have to move away, escape Sunhill, and get away from him. Half way down the high street she felt herself break. Physically falling to her knees she burst into tears. They just kept coming, like raining falling from the sky, but the storm showed no signs of clearing. The thought scared her to death. She couldn't live like this, if this was life then she would never get to heaven, because she was living in hell.

People walked past without a second glance. The first said it all, crazy girl crying in the middle of the street. Was that really such a surprise in the middle of London? That's how she felt though, she felt crazy.

Finally getting up she had made the decision in an instant. A feeling of calm washed over her. It was incredible, so sweet, and so pure. If only she could feel like this forever. She closed her eyes thinking about her mom and dad. She smiled softly remembering her childhood, how happy she felt, how safe she had been. She had been a normal little girl, so full of life and hope, and dreaming big that one day she'd have a good job and an amazing husband and a home full of kids. She could have been anybody, but she chose to be this.

Glancing around she waited for her moment and prayed that it would be quick. She moved fast and prepared for the impact. Closing her eyes tightly as it came. She felt the pain as she flew through the air; she just hoped that it would be over quick.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

Everything hurt! The pain going through her head was unbearable and every muscle in her body ached. The light stung her eyes blinding her as she struggled to regain her vision. Turning her head to the side he finally came into focus "Mickey," she whispered removing her oxygen mask.

"Hey short stuff," he smiled gently "What have you been doing to yourself?" he sighed.

"If this is heaven I want a refund," she joked nervously.

Mickey lent in and stroked her hair "You stupid, stupid girl," his voice remained calm but she knew he was fuming "How could you be so selfish?"

"What happened? I don't remember," she lied.

"Someone saw you run out in front of the car Stevie," he sighed, "I know it wasn't an accident,"

"I'm sorry," her tears broke his heart.

"You scared me," he whispered his own tears falling "Have things gotten that bad?"

"I just want the pain to go away," she sobbed.

"Not much chance of that when you've been hit by a car,"

"I can't do this anymore, you don't know what it's like,"

"Then tell me," he pleaded "Tell me how you've gone from this bright, bubbly, spunky girl, to someone I don't even recognise anymore,"

Her sobs became uncontrollable and she began to struggle to breath. Thinking quickly Mickey grabbed her mask, placing it back around her face. "NURSE!" he yelled trying to grab someone's attention. Stevie's breathing began to ease and Mickey watched as the nurse calmed her down,"

Returning to normal "Mickey sat down on the edge of the bed "This can't carry on,"

She nodded silently.

"Talk to me please, what happened today to make you want to that,"

"He rejected me," she whispered "I tried to kiss him and he pulled away,"

"Who?"

"Smithy," she confirmed his suspicions "I felt so stupid and ugly and I don't want to feel stupid and ugly no more,"

"So your only solution to this was to try and kill yourself," he stated astonished.

"You don't understand, I can't feel like this anymore. It's killing me,"

Rubbing his eyes, he could believe what he was hearing. How on earth had it gotten to this point? How had he not seen it? The guilt he felt for not being there for his friend was immense.

"Please don't tell anyone," she begged.

"Stevie they know you're in here,"

"Who?" her voice was panicked.

"Jack, Neil…Smithy," he let that one hang in the air.

"Oh god," she cried "He can't know what I've done,"

Mickey shook his head "He doesn't, all he knows is you've been in a accident,"

"Please Mickey," she begged, "Please don't tell him. I'll do anything… I'll get help…I'll see someone, speak about how I'm feeling,"

She heard Smithy outside talking to the nurse asking where she was. Panicking Mickey saw the desperation in her eyes "Alright," he sighed "I'll keep quiet, but you better mean it about getting help,"

"I do," she nodded.

The door opened and he quietly slipped into the room. She smiled up at him nervously "Hey,"

"Hey yourself," he smiled back "How you feeling?"

"Like I've been hit by car," she joked.

She could tell he was feeling as awkward as she was. That's why she had tried to lighten the mood but failed.

"What's the doctor said," he asked.

"That she's been very lucky," Mickey piped up "She has a broken leg, a sprained wrist and fractured ribs. They took her into surgery because she had internal bleeding, but thankfully they've managed to stop it,"

"Have they said how long she'll be in her?" Smithy asked

"They reckon a couple of days, they're going to monitor her and if she's ok they will let her out,"

"I am here you know," Stevie pointed out annoyed "Please don't talk about me like I'm not here,"

"You very nearly weren't," Mickey answered "Next time look before you walk out in front of a car," he gave her a pointed look, so she decided to pipe down.

"Can you give us a minute Mickey?" Smithy asked. Mickey looked from him to Stevie and noticed the pleading look in her eyes. She didn't want to be left on her own with him.

"Sure,"

Watching him leave the room Stevie cursed, she was sure he had done that on purpose to punish her. Beyond awkward was how she felt right now; the silence seemed to go on forever.

"Stevie..." he didn't know how to find the right words.

"It's ok," she held her hand up to silence him, "You don't have to say anything,"

"No I do," he explained "I'm sorry if I hurt you,"

"It was just a stupid kiss," Stevie masked her feelings "I just needed someone…"

She saw the relief wash over his face and it took everything inside her not to break down in front of him. But she would not let him see her cry; she mustered as much strength as she could to stay calm.

"Look Smithy I'm really tired," It wasn't really a lie; being knocked over by a car can really take it out of you.

Smithy knew this was his queue to leave "I'll come by tomorrow and see how your doing," he smiled.

She watched him leave and Mickey headed back into the room "You ok?" Mickey knew she wasn't really but he didn't know what else to say.

She shook her head miserably "No," she sighed. Moving back over to the bed Mickey sat down next to her and draped his arm around her. "He doesn't deserve you," The tears started to fall again and he lent in and kissed her head.

"How can I go back to work and face him every day?"

"It'll get easier," he reassured "And you don't have to face him alone, you have me,"

She smiled "Thanks Mickey,"

"And I'll be with you when you face Jack and Neil too,"

Stevie sighed, "Do I really have to tell them what I did,"

He nodded "Afraid so. But it'll be ok I promise," She nodded knowing he was right, it was just admitting she had a problem going to be one of the hardest things she'd ever done.


End file.
